August 31st, 2016
I was debating on posting this or not. I don’t need pity, and I don’t want people to think I’m a Debbie Downer. 90% of the time I am a happy, smiling, laughing person, but that 10% gets me at times and I felt the need to share my experiences. I’m hoping this post can help enlighten people on grieving and understanding how it feels and what it’s like to go through it. If you’ve been through the grieving process- or you’re going through it currently- comment and let me know if you resonate with any of this.
Many people go through grief. It’s an inevitable part of life, and we all know in the back of our minds that we pass away one day. Growing up, I knew this. I knew one day I’d have to bury my grandparents, and my parents at some point too. It’s the natural order of things, and I do not mean to downplay losing ANYONE because that is not fair, but my question is this; what, then, do you do when you you lose someone the same age as you, randomly, and at 18 years old? You’re not prepared for that at all, because it’s not something you ever once thought about.
You don’t once think that it could happen to you. Sure, you’ve seen the news or heard about it through friends and family, you’re not an idiot. You know that you *could* potentially die if someone caused it to happen, or there was an accident: but to lose someone from an unknown, extremely rare heart condition… there’s no rule book on how to see that coming.
I wanted to also mention that there are things people don’t talk about when they say they’re grieving. From experience, I can tell you that it’s a veil of protection that people polish over in one simple sentence: “I’m in the grieving process.”. But, what does that mean exactly? you hear it, and you think that maybe the person is sad or angry and/or cries a lot. I’m sure that’s all people think happens, but it’s entirely worse than just that. I don’t blame anyone for ignorance or lack of experience because how would they know? They didn’t go through it.
One of the first things people don’t mention are the dreams.
For the love of Jesus Christ himself, I wish I could get rid of my dreams now. I’ll be fine for weeks on end- getting my life right back to “normal”, and not breaking down and crying when I hear his name. I’ll be happy about life again, excited even. And then.. I dream of him. And they’re extremely vivid. I’ll dream of talking to him, holding him, kissing him, etc. and then I wake up and it’s painful; yes, painful. My heart starts to physically ache and I’ve even sobbed upon waking up on occasions. It’s almost like experiencing the loss in its entirety again. You feel that dream fade away, similarly like the person you miss has. It’s the worst thing a grieving person can experience, cruel even.
The second thing would be memories.
Oh, the memories. As selfish as this sounds, as horribly wrong as it is, and how angry I get at myself for even wanting this… I sometimes wish I could just erase my memory.
“Oh, but you have his memories to cherish now!”
“Just think of all the things you used to do together!”
“He would want you to remember him!”
Are you mad? Memories for a grieving person are little pieces of glass that stab you once in a while going “Hey! remember when your loved one *was* alive and you did this?”. It’s not a pleasurable thing. Movies try to downplay the actuality of grief by having the bereft person claim how happy they are to just have known the person, and their memories with them will live on forever; I’m sorry but no. I do not agree with it. Maybe there are some people who are okay with remembering their loved one and then okay with the fact that they’re gone, but I can’t and won’t ever be.
The third, it makes you question life in general and your faith.
I’ve never been the super religious type. I grew up Catholic and used to say the “Our Father” prayer every night before bed, but as I grew older I felt that logically, religion is flawed and doesn’t make much sense. So when Jon passed it made me second guess everything I thought I knew about life.
**I do not mean to offend anyone, and if you are religious I respect that. Please also respect my beliefs.**
Anyway, when you grieve it even deepens your outlook on life. You start to question everything and why some things happen to you and not others. Why some things don’t happen to you, but does happen to others. Through grief this is what I have come up with: life has no meaning. I don’t mean that in a depressing way. I literally mean those words. Life is randomized events: you were not chosen to have some things happen and not others because life hates you or because you’re special. Things happen because it happens.
Above are just some things that people who are grieving go through. No, not everyone goes through them but I hope that this will atleast open your eyes to when people say they are grieving. it’s not just sadness.
Thank you for reading.