I don’t know.

July 27th, 2016

7:58pm

 

Honestly, I apologize already because I know this post is going to be all over the place.

I haven’t been on here because I’ve gotten a new job, I’m in school and I’m still stressing about life in general; so when I’m not doing the first two things, you can probably find me somewhere curled up, watching The Mindy Project, stuffing my face with chipotle, and crying until I fall asleep.

Look, I know my life isn’t that bad. Yeah, there’s been some SHITTY things that have happened to me, but even now I can say my life isn’t horrible. I have a great career, and I’m working toward my actual dream job (something in the animal field) and I’m about to get a new car. Things on the career/financial side are great. But on the personal side, they’re not.

I miss my friends, I miss my best friend…, I miss my family, and most of all I miss what everyone else my age is doing: dating. Yes, I’m that stereotypical “single-career-oriented-one-track-mind” friend. The one who swears off men because they’re “all the same”, and has even gone so far as to push men away because of this. It’s not that I’m all that self conscious. I could stand to lose some weight, but I don’t think I’m ugly by any means. I just don’t know what it is. I guess ever since Jonathan passed away I haven’t found one single person who has grasped my attention at even a fraction of the way he did. 

And I can’t bring it up to people. I don’t blame them when they give me meek smiles and utter “he’s in a better place”. I don’t blame them for not asking me about it anymore. I don’t blame them for getting that small itch of uncomfortableness whenever I say his name, rushing to change the subject. Most people can’t handle talking about death. I feel that it is a subject that we gloss over way too quickly. We don’t relish in it enough. But I don’t want to change the subject. It doesn’t bother me, in fact whenever I talk about him it gives me pride and I feel elated. It’s a weird mixture of sadness and happiness. 

(sorry for the tangent I’m about to go on..)

And I still love him. As embarrassing as that is to admit, it’s true. And it’s affecting everything else in my life. I still sob sometimes.. and it hurts even more that I never got to tell him how I felt. That’s the worst part. I’m almost positive he would have rejected me, but I still wish I could have told him. I don’t even care what people think anymore.

I know he dated a lot of girls, and I know he technically led me on, but we were 18! Although it’s not an excuse, I knew him. I knew that kid for 5 years. I have never in my life felt as close to another human being as I did with him. I know he would have apologized wholeheartedly and we could have moved on from it. It’s just the “not knowing” part that is eating me alive. Please don’t comment that I need to talk to a therapist. I’ll just delete your comment. I don’t want to talk to a therapist. It’s extremely violating to share your personal thoughts with someone face to face like that when you hardly know them. For me, writing a blog is my therapy. So let me have it.

Anyway, it’s hard to look at anyone else because no one else compares. They don’t have deep philosophical conversations with me. They don’t get to know me. They don’t actually want to date me. They use me. I guess I have “please hit it and quit it” written on my forehead and didn’t even know it.

You know, that sounds more crass than I meant. I don’t sleep around, even if I did it wouldn’t matter because I’m 20, but still. It’s just that guys now a days lead girls on and just leave, ghosting them completely out of thin air. I don’t understand it. Or, they don’t show any attention unless you’re super hyper sexual with them in conversation to somehow “grasp” their attention? I don’t know.

I just wish people could act like people. And not focus on outer appearances. I’m so sick of it. Also- enough with that “nice guys finish last” bull shit.

  1. Just because you are nice to a girl does not AUTOMATICALLY mean she has to like you
  2. Just because you tell her you like her does not mean she has to like you back
  3. If she’s clearly not interested, stop making it weird when you make passes at her and she doesn’t return them.
  4. Just because you think you’re mediocre doesn’t mean you can’t give her respect.
  5. I have a lot more but I can’t remember them. I’m sure I’ll rant about it again at some point

 

I’m just in a weird mood today I guess. But I will not apologize for how I feel or what I’m saying. 

I feel lonely, and I miss my friends and siblings immensely. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who misses anyone because I hardly hear from people unless I’m constantly trying to get ahold of them. Everyone is getting pregnant, engaged, married, etc. and I can’t even get a guy to text me back. This is no joke. Well, actually, my life in its entirety is some sick cosmic joke.
I know this post is kinda depressing, but that’s real fucking life. Not everything is unicorns and rainbows.

Thanks for reading.

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