I wish I could sleep in.
I always have issues with staying asleep and sleeping in. I don’t have adhd, I don’t think at least (never been professionally diagnosed), but my mind does run wild and I wish just for once someone could experience what I do.
It’s like there are two parts of me- the outside is calm, impassive, unimpressed, and I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I have resting bitch face. On the inside though I feel anxiety, my thoughts race (overthinking pretty much) and my empathy is through the roof. I sometimes truly hate feeling things so deeply. I didn’t ask for it, and honestly no one asks for their faults I’m aware, but still. I can’t help but wish I was different all the time.
In the same contrary, I love who I am. I don’t know if it’s because human beings are walking contradictions or just select people like me.
So anyway, I’m awake early on a tuesday for no reason. I just know that I needed to write an entry again. Nothing in particular but, then again everything that comes to mind.
I’m staring out the window in my cousin’s bedroom. It’s grey and gloomy, and I’m sure it’s freezing out. I don’t see anything out there, not even animals or wind, it’s actually unnervingly quiet, but reassuring too. I stayed over at my aunt’s house the last few nights to get away from my own life. Whenever I’m with my aunt, I feel safe. I feel that life makes sense. She makes sense. Which if you know me personally, hits home for me tremendously.
My grandparents are the best and have helped me a lot too, but there’s always drama there because of my other family members and it’s nice to be around sane people.
I haven’t moved since I’ve woken up and started writing this, and by now, almost an hour has passed by. I just keep pausing and editing. I’m also too tired to move much. As I said before, my sleep schedule is horrible. And sleeping pills (diphenhydramine based) mostly give me vividly sad/scary dreams which you know, I’d love to avoid.
I wonder sometimes, random I know, if I’m actually dramatic as some people call me or if I’m just in tune with my humanity more compared to them. It scares me when people call me dramatic… I don’t want to turn out like him.
People in my personal life know who I’m referencing. It’s not my right to share his personal information, but I can say at least that I strive every day to be nothing like him. To be mentally strong and to have my life together better than he ever has. So when someone calls me dramatic or emotional I cut everything off (feeling-wise) because I don’t ever want to be that way in someone’s eyes.
I see the damage unhinged emotions and self righteousness causes- you blindly act on emotions and it fucks with every aspect of your life. I never want to be that out of touch with reality. And maybe that’s not fair for me to say, but growing up with this kind of person makes you want to do the complete opposite.
It makes you question everyone’s motives, because you never received that stability while growing up. It’s not fair to put that kind of pressure on other people, but I wish they could overlook my faults. I barely let anyone know what happened to me, or what I go through in general because I’m scared to look weak or emotional. I guess it’s a pride thing too, because when you’re that closed off and then you try to talk to someone honestly, and you’re called dramatic, it hurts because that’s the last thing you’re trying to be.
So… I’m not sure what this post was supposed to be- it jumps around a lot, but that’s just how I am. I have tons of things going on in my head, so bear with me.
All I have left to say is be a better person to those around you. As hackneyed as this saying is, it’s incredibly true: be kind to those around you, they are fighting their own battles you know nothing about.
So yeah, be kind. Idk. I’m not your mother, but also don’t expect people to accept your shitty behavior.