I’m Tired.

August 15th, 2017

8:45 pm

 

I’m so incredibly tired of it all.

Aren’t you?

Go onto Youtube. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. etc. and what do you see? Fake smiles, fake acknowledgment, fake reality- wrapped in a little bow with endorsements and brand deals as the main course in a long, tedious meal you didn’t know you were apart of until it was too late.

Buy this. Buy that.

I don’t care. and I’m tired of it.

I want, no crave, reality. As it is. Not told to me because people have managers behind them pushing them to endorse the latest thing. Have you seen that shitty strapless bra thing? Puh-leeze.

Aren’t you tired of it?

I already know what’s out there. If I wanted to buy something, I’d go to a store. I don’t want products shoved down my throat 24/7. Maybe that’s cynical- I understand why people do it. They need to pay bills. But if you decide to do so, you also shouldn’t be advertising “realness” in your videos. Because it’s not. You’ve become part of the very thing that shapes our society- consumerism. Which I understand is needed, contradictory right? Didn’t say it wasn’t. Just said I’m tired of it.

I don’t know what the solution would be, all I know is that I can’t stand seeing it anymore.

Kinda started this on a great note, huh? Well, if you’re still reading this I truly appreciate you. I know I haven’t posted in a while and tbh I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue writing on here. There’s so much going on right now in my life- not that anyone cares, but still. I’m going to try harder.

I understand sometimes my writing is all over the place. Random. Odd. Etc. But I really do try to use this as my outlet. I try to not edit my writing on here much at all. I just wanted a place where I could put all of my thoughts and feelings out there. And what prompted me to make this post was that I was so TIRED of it all. Not just what I’ve written above. Everything. Life, work, family, friends, and society. (don’t get butthurt, you’d know if I was referring to you.) I hate seeing all the negativity, even though I know part of me does contribute to it. Contradictory, I know. It has turned me into such a negative person as of late.

I wish I didn’t feel things so deeply. I really am trying to just put my thoughts out there, so if they happen to be negative I’m sorry. Not sorry of who I am, but sorry that you seem to believe that life has to be positive all the time. That’s not reality.

“All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is.” – Buddha.

Now, I’m not 100% sure the Buddha said that. I just recently started getting into Buddhism- Zen Buddhism to be more exact, and I haven’t researched that quote, but I thought it was eloquently written anyway, even if it wasn’t real. I resonate with it mostly because it’s the absolute truth. Instead of dwelling on things, you need to accept what is. Not what you want a situation to be.

I have to keep reminding myself that, and not get my hopes up for something. Or try to analyze a situation for more than it is.

I’m also trying to write more. Not just these blogs, but more novelas or full on novels. I’ll probably post some rough copies on here soon.

Thanks for reading.

 

What No One Says about Grief 

August 31st, 2016

8:15am

I was debating on posting this or not. I don’t need pity, and I don’t want people to think I’m a Debbie Downer. 90% of the time I am a happy, smiling, laughing person, but that 10% gets me at times and I felt the need to share my experiences. I’m hoping this post can help enlighten people on grieving and understanding how it feels and what it’s like to go through it. If you’ve been through the grieving process- or you’re going through it currently- comment and let me know if you resonate with any of this. 

Many people go through grief. It’s an inevitable part of life, and we all know in the back of our minds that we pass away one day. Growing up, I knew this. I knew one day I’d have to bury my grandparents, and my parents at some point too. It’s the natural order of things, and I do not mean to downplay losing ANYONE because that is not fair, but my question is this; what, then, do you do when you you lose someone the same age as you, randomly, and at 18 years old? You’re not prepared for that at all, because it’s not something you ever once thought about. 

You don’t once think that it could happen to you. Sure, you’ve seen the news or heard about it through friends and family, you’re not an idiot. You know that you *could* potentially die if someone caused it to happen, or there was an accident: but to lose someone from an unknown, extremely rare heart condition… there’s no rule book on how to see that coming. 

I wanted to also mention that there are things people don’t talk about when they say they’re grieving. From experience, I can tell you that it’s a veil of protection that people polish over in one simple sentence: “I’m in the grieving process.”. But, what does that mean exactly? you hear it, and you think that maybe the person is sad or angry and/or cries a lot. I’m sure that’s all people think happens, but it’s entirely worse than just that. I don’t blame anyone for ignorance or lack of experience because how would they know? They didn’t go through it. 

One of the first things people don’t mention are the dreams. 

For the love of Jesus Christ himself, I wish I could get rid of my dreams now. I’ll be fine for weeks on end- getting my life right back to “normal”, and not breaking down and crying when I hear his name. I’ll be happy about life again, excited even. And then.. I dream of him. And they’re extremely vivid. I’ll dream of talking to him, holding him, kissing him, etc. and then I wake up and it’s painful; yes, painful. My heart starts to physically ache and I’ve even sobbed upon waking up on occasions. It’s almost like experiencing the loss in its entirety again. You feel that dream fade away, similarly like the person you miss has. It’s the worst thing a grieving person can experience, cruel even. 

The second thing would be memories. 

Oh, the memories. As selfish as this sounds, as horribly wrong as it is, and how angry I get at myself for even wanting this… I sometimes wish I could just erase my memory. 

“Oh, but you have his memories to cherish now!”

“Just think of all the things you used to do together!”

“He would want you to remember him!”

Are you mad? Memories for a grieving person are little pieces of glass that stab you once in a while going “Hey! remember when your loved one *was* alive and you did this?”. It’s not a pleasurable thing.  Movies try to downplay the actuality of grief by having the bereft person claim how happy they are to just have known the person, and their memories with them will live on forever; I’m sorry but no. I do not agree with it. Maybe there are some people who are okay with remembering their loved one and then okay with the fact that they’re gone, but I can’t and won’t ever be. 

The third, it makes you question life in general and your faith. 

I’ve never been the super religious type. I grew up Catholic and used to say the “Our Father” prayer every night before bed, but as I grew older I felt that logically, religion is flawed and doesn’t make much sense. So when Jon passed it made me second guess everything I thought I knew about life. 

**I do not mean to offend anyone, and if you are religious I respect that. Please also respect my beliefs.**

Anyway, when you grieve it even deepens your outlook on life. You start to question everything and why some things happen to you and not others. Why some things don’t happen to you, but does happen to others. Through grief this is what I have come up with: life has no meaning. I don’t mean that in a depressing way. I literally mean those words. Life is randomized events: you were not chosen to have some things happen and not others because life hates you or because you’re special. Things happen because it happens. 

Above are just some things that people who are grieving go through. No, not everyone goes through them but I hope that this will atleast open your eyes to when people say they are grieving. it’s not just sadness. 

Thank you for reading. 

Sex…? Sex.

April 11th, 2016

4:00pm

 

I wasn’t originally going to post this topic so soon, but there’s so much on my mind regarding this specific topic because it surrounds not only me, but everyone in their daily lives. The reason I was going to wait was because I didn’t want people thinking I was jumping into sexual blog posts for the sake of getting people to read my content. If you know me personally, you know I’m an open book and I love to talk about things that seem to make other people uncomfortable, but I tend to do it in a way that helps alleviate some of that “embarrassment”.

I decided though that this website was going to be dedicated to real life topics, and giving advice from my personal experience and through the wisdom of others.

I always say that life is not Pg-13, it’s Rated R. I may even interchange the words “Unrated” and “Rated R” in that last part. Lemme explain what that means; simply put, rarely do you see social media celebs or celebs in general, life experts, etc. talk about life in its actuality. Most of the time, they hide behind hackneyed or overused expressions and ideas and then people can’t apply the “advice” they’re given because it’s not real. It’s the “Pg-13”, politically correct, answer. And I’m sick of it.

I mainly started this blog post because it’s a lot easier for me to get my point across through writing than it is verbally. I have no idea why, but it is. That’s 99.9% of the reason I don’t upload to YouTube anymore. I can’t get my thoughts straight when I’m talking.

NOW, if you cannot openly talk about sex, if it makes you uncomfortable, or you think it’s unladylike for me to talk about it then please click out and save us all from your sheltered, negative lifestyle. We are all in 2016, please join us when you’re ready. Thanks.

Sorry for all of that writing before actually getting to the point, but I needed to clarify a few things before I continued.

Okay, let’s talk about sex.

To this day, I’m amazed how many people are uncomfortable or weirded out just by talking about sex. How do you think you got here? How do you think babies are made? It’s a natural human process, even if you never plan on having a child. It’s NATURAL. Are you hearing me? NATURAL.

What’s a good age to start having it? Oh man, probably going to get some hate for this, but… whenever the fuck you want to && are mentally mature, and emotionally stable to handle the consequences. Hear me out.

I know anyone reading this has been through “sex ed.” (notice I put that in quotes because it shouldn’t be called education whatsoever.) but, yeah. You should have been introduced to it at some point, and some of the things I say are going to be repeated, but elaborated on. Something that the school systems failed to do.

Everyone becomes curious at some point and you can’t help the urges that you have. You can help by not acting on it, but the urges themselves are completely natural.

Not everyone is going to fit into what I’m saying here, and that’s okay.. because each and every person in this world is different; grows at a different pace, gets urges earlier or later than others, and develops differently. I’m going to give *some* examples, and if you don’t fit into this criteria, don’t sweat it.

And let me just point some things out for you.

AGE DOES NOT MATTER.

(I’m referring to the age YOU have sex, not anything illegal like a 14 year old and a 22 year old sleeping together, lemme make that clear.)

HOWEVER, BEING PREPARED MATTERS.

Understand? You can be 14, or 28. If you’re not emotionally prepared, physically prepared, or mature enough to be responsible in all aspects when it comes to this stuff, then I’ve got news for you: you. are. not. ready.

You’re not ready because you’re not emotionally stable enough or mature enough to deal with the aftermath. and yes, there’s always aftermath even if it’s just a one time thing. Sorry. Sex is a deeply personal thing whether it’s a quickie, or making love or anything inbetween. It could be that now sex is being devalued, but it is personal. Someone is literally witnessing you at your most vulnerable state. You have to be emotionally stable enough to deal with the consequence of them a) using you, or b) not wanting anything more than FWB. It happens.

And look, I get it. I know I’m going to get someone that tells me that I’m sounding like a prude, sounding like a mom, or being “too-protective”. And to that I say, “Okay, I’ll take it.”. Just because you demand respect, and not a pregnancy scare every time you sleep with your partner or whatever, doesn’t make you less of a person. It makes you wise, so that you don’t end up pregnant with 5 kids already by the time you’re 30.

Lemme be clear about this too: nothing is 100% preventive except for complete abstinence, but again, we live in the real world. I live in reality. And I know that teenagers, remember I used to be one so I know, are going to do what they want regardless what anyone preaches to them. So, meet them halfway. If they’re going to do it, let them be prepared and let them know there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s 2016. We need to abolish the old thinking of “never have sex or else” tactic, and just accept what it is: going through puberty causes urges. Let’s raise responsible people, please.

I’m also not encouraging 13, 14, 15, 16, or even 17 year olds to go out and sleep with whoever they want. Don’t confuse my message. I’m simply saying that if someone is ready, teach them. Don’t shame them. Trust me, it does way more harm than good.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

First Post… Hmm…

April 7th, 2016.

11pm

 

So I’m not entirely sure how to begin this blog…

I knew I wanted to begin a blog for a little while now, maybe about five years. I kept putting it off because I wasn’t sure if someone, or anyone, would actually read my blog. I mean, I’m a 20 year old. What do I have to offer in terms of advice or wisdom for others at such a young age? I actually and genuinely asked myself this. Then I realized that it didn’t matter how old I was. I’d been through enough to make another person never want to walk a day in my shoes. I’d made enough mistakes, went through enough heart ache, abuse, and let downs to help other people see the signs and change or get help. I knew this is what I wanted to do.

**Sided-note: If I happen to jump around a bit, I’m incredibly sorry. I have undiagnosed, but it runs deeply in my family, adult ADD. I have SO many things I want to say and I’m not always able to write them coherently lol

While I’m aware that the date and the time I post this is more than likely listed itself, I like adding it myself anyway. Feels somewhat reminiscent of when I used to write in my journal. In a way, this is beginning to feel like that. And I hope it’s a style you guys will like as well.

I’m not entirely sure where this blog is going to go, but I know I’m going to write at least once a day. Even if nothing spectacular happened. I need an outlet. I know blogging is the perfect thing for me, to somehow help contain what goes on in my mind. I want to write about my everyday life, give tips on how to help your body and hair, my journey toward veganism, and all about cats and then specifically about my cats that live with me. Sort of like a daily blog about how they’re doing. Don’t quote me on any of this, because as I said before I’m not sure and it could honestly change.

There are SO many things I want to accomplish, and I know I can use social media to help with that. It’s funny, I can speak incredibly more eloquent through my writing than actually talking. Which, in all honesty, is why I haven’t uploaded more videos to YouTube.

Oh, didn’t know I had a YouTube account did you? Well, now you do. I’m not going to list it at this moment, but if you do some digging you’ll eventually find it.

Anyway, this post is way shorter than any blog I intended to put up, but it’s more or less just the staple “first post” and I wanted to keep it succinct. I promise to go more into detail tomorrow.

 

I don’t know.

July 27th, 2016

7:58pm

 

Honestly, I apologize already because I know this post is going to be all over the place.

I haven’t been on here because I’ve gotten a new job, I’m in school and I’m still stressing about life in general; so when I’m not doing the first two things, you can probably find me somewhere curled up, watching The Mindy Project, stuffing my face with chipotle, and crying until I fall asleep.

Look, I know my life isn’t that bad. Yeah, there’s been some SHITTY things that have happened to me, but even now I can say my life isn’t horrible. I have a great career, and I’m working toward my actual dream job (something in the animal field) and I’m about to get a new car. Things on the career/financial side are great. But on the personal side, they’re not.

I miss my friends, I miss my best friend…, I miss my family, and most of all I miss what everyone else my age is doing: dating. Yes, I’m that stereotypical “single-career-oriented-one-track-mind” friend. The one who swears off men because they’re “all the same”, and has even gone so far as to push men away because of this. It’s not that I’m all that self conscious. I could stand to lose some weight, but I don’t think I’m ugly by any means. I just don’t know what it is. I guess ever since Jonathan passed away I haven’t found one single person who has grasped my attention at even a fraction of the way he did. 

And I can’t bring it up to people. I don’t blame them when they give me meek smiles and utter “he’s in a better place”. I don’t blame them for not asking me about it anymore. I don’t blame them for getting that small itch of uncomfortableness whenever I say his name, rushing to change the subject. Most people can’t handle talking about death. I feel that it is a subject that we gloss over way too quickly. We don’t relish in it enough. But I don’t want to change the subject. It doesn’t bother me, in fact whenever I talk about him it gives me pride and I feel elated. It’s a weird mixture of sadness and happiness. 

(sorry for the tangent I’m about to go on..)

And I still love him. As embarrassing as that is to admit, it’s true. And it’s affecting everything else in my life. I still sob sometimes.. and it hurts even more that I never got to tell him how I felt. That’s the worst part. I’m almost positive he would have rejected me, but I still wish I could have told him. I don’t even care what people think anymore.

I know he dated a lot of girls, and I know he technically led me on, but we were 18! Although it’s not an excuse, I knew him. I knew that kid for 5 years. I have never in my life felt as close to another human being as I did with him. I know he would have apologized wholeheartedly and we could have moved on from it. It’s just the “not knowing” part that is eating me alive. Please don’t comment that I need to talk to a therapist. I’ll just delete your comment. I don’t want to talk to a therapist. It’s extremely violating to share your personal thoughts with someone face to face like that when you hardly know them. For me, writing a blog is my therapy. So let me have it.

Anyway, it’s hard to look at anyone else because no one else compares. They don’t have deep philosophical conversations with me. They don’t get to know me. They don’t actually want to date me. They use me. I guess I have “please hit it and quit it” written on my forehead and didn’t even know it.

You know, that sounds more crass than I meant. I don’t sleep around, even if I did it wouldn’t matter because I’m 20, but still. It’s just that guys now a days lead girls on and just leave, ghosting them completely out of thin air. I don’t understand it. Or, they don’t show any attention unless you’re super hyper sexual with them in conversation to somehow “grasp” their attention? I don’t know.

I just wish people could act like people. And not focus on outer appearances. I’m so sick of it. Also- enough with that “nice guys finish last” bull shit.

  1. Just because you are nice to a girl does not AUTOMATICALLY mean she has to like you
  2. Just because you tell her you like her does not mean she has to like you back
  3. If she’s clearly not interested, stop making it weird when you make passes at her and she doesn’t return them.
  4. Just because you think you’re mediocre doesn’t mean you can’t give her respect.
  5. I have a lot more but I can’t remember them. I’m sure I’ll rant about it again at some point

 

I’m just in a weird mood today I guess. But I will not apologize for how I feel or what I’m saying. 

I feel lonely, and I miss my friends and siblings immensely. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who misses anyone because I hardly hear from people unless I’m constantly trying to get ahold of them. Everyone is getting pregnant, engaged, married, etc. and I can’t even get a guy to text me back. This is no joke. Well, actually, my life in its entirety is some sick cosmic joke.
I know this post is kinda depressing, but that’s real fucking life. Not everything is unicorns and rainbows.

Thanks for reading.