๐Ÿ‘

11:46 pm

Tuesday

I’m sitting here- rather laying here, trying to stop my tears. They just won’t stop.

Don’t you dare pity me.

The tears are made of raw anger that has been building for months. It’s the numbness I feel finally bubbling to the surface. It’s the hatred and guilt I’ve felt for years.

I hate you… is such a cliche sentence for what I feel. It’s not just hate. It’s not just anger. It’s more than that. It’s the deep love I feel for family which is exactly what I feel for you, it’s the betrayal I feel every single time I watch your wife parade herself around me with a hint of glee behind her dead eyes, it’s the hatred that I feel anytime you make a typical patriarchal comment like “yeah women just aren’t as smart as men”, it’s the admiration I feel when I see you light up as you talk about your passions, it’s the embarrassment I feel when you can’t sit still because you’re coming down with withdrawal… it’s the emptiness I feel whenever you neglect to call me on time for birthdays, graduations, or achievements. It’s all interwoven and mixed up.

Everyone has an idea on how to deal with a family member who abandoned you countless times but gave you *just enough* attention to keep you hooked- people think they’d know how to deal with a such a person, but in reality… you have no idea.

To grow up in a household with the aforementioned person is too much to write down itself, because even then anyone reading this would not truly understand what it was like to be around this kind of person. Sure, you’re can try to empathize, but empathy and actually living it are two different things.

I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I don’t write to garner an ounce of it- please take your self righteousness elsewhere. I just want to write my experiences. That’s all.

Some days are better than others. some days i can’t get out of bed.

I start to think I’m actually healing and moving on with my life, that I’m growing as a human being, but then… a call from you screaming and scolding me sends me right back to my teenage years where I spent them all as a mediocre shell of what I am now.

I’m grown, damn it. I shouldn’t be made to feel so small and yet I do. I can’t fight what you’ve created in my mind, that I now need therapy for. I’m not ashamed because you did this to me. I’m bettering myself because I owe that to myself, but remember who did this to me.

The damage you caused pokes through when I’m alone in my car staring numbly at a stop light. It pokes through when I’m obsessively trying to be perfect at my job because I simply cannot disappoint you- even when you don’t bother to care anyway. It shines through when I run from commitment because I desperately believe everyone secretly hates me and just puts up with me. And it definitely shows when my mood swings scare even me.

This post wasn’t meant to be depressing, but I suppose it’s coming across that way anyway. I just wanted to write without stopping or repercussions. I just want to be.

Life isn’t perfect obviously, writing helps. It’s my therapy so at least let me have this.

Thanks for reading.

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6:59am

I wish I could sleep in.

I always have issues with staying asleep and sleeping in. I don’t have adhd, I don’t think at least (never been professionally diagnosed), but my mind does run wild and I wish just for once someone could experience what I do.

It’s like there are two parts of me- the outside is calm, impassive, unimpressed, and I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I have resting bitch face. On the inside though I feel anxiety, my thoughts race (overthinking pretty much) and my empathy is through the roof. I sometimes truly hate feeling things so deeply. I didn’t ask for it, and honestly no one asks for their faults I’m aware, but still. I can’t help but wish I was different all the time.

In the same contrary, I love who I am. I don’t know if it’s because human beings are walking contradictions or just select people like me.

So anyway, I’m awake early on a tuesday for no reason. I just know that I needed to write an entry again. Nothing in particular but, then again everything that comes to mind.

I’m staring out the window in my cousin’s bedroom. It’s grey and gloomy, and I’m sure it’s freezing out. I don’t see anything out there, not even animals or wind, it’s actually unnervingly quiet, but reassuring too. I stayed over at my aunt’s house the last few nights to get away from my own life. Whenever I’m with my aunt, I feel safe. I feel that life makes sense. She makes sense. Which if you know me personally, hits home for me tremendously.

My grandparents are the best and have helped me a lot too, but there’s always drama there because of my other family members and it’s nice to be around sane people.

I haven’t moved since I’ve woken up and started writing this, and by now, almost an hour has passed by. I just keep pausing and editing. I’m also too tired to move much. As I said before, my sleep schedule is horrible. And sleeping pills (diphenhydramine based) mostly give me vividly sad/scary dreams which you know, I’d love to avoid.

I wonder sometimes, random I know, if I’m actually dramatic as some people call me or if I’m just in tune with my humanity more compared to them. It scares me when people call me dramatic… I don’t want to turn out like him.

People in my personal life know who I’m referencing. It’s not my right to share his personal information, but I can say at least that I strive every day to be nothing like him. To be mentally strong and to have my life together better than he ever has. So when someone calls me dramatic or emotional I cut everything off (feeling-wise) because I don’t ever want to be that way in someone’s eyes.

I see the damage unhinged emotions and self righteousness causes- you blindly act on emotions and it fucks with every aspect of your life. I never want to be that out of touch with reality. And maybe that’s not fair for me to say, but growing up with this kind of person makes you want to do the complete opposite.

It makes you question everyone’s motives, because you never received that stability while growing up. It’s not fair to put that kind of pressure on other people, but I wish they could overlook my faults. I barely let anyone know what happened to me, or what I go through in general because I’m scared to look weak or emotional. I guess it’s a pride thing too, because when you’re that closed off and then you try to talk to someone honestly, and you’re called dramatic, it hurts because that’s the last thing you’re trying to be.

So… I’m not sure what this post was supposed to be- it jumps around a lot, but that’s just how I am. I have tons of things going on in my head, so bear with me.

All I have left to say is be a better person to those around you. As hackneyed as this saying is, it’s incredibly true: be kind to those around you, they are fighting their own battles you know nothing about.

So yeah, be kind. Idk. I’m not your mother, but also don’t expect people to accept your shitty behavior.

Watercolor Irises ๐Ÿฆ‹

Tuesday

6:25 pm

So the title has absolutely nothing to do with this post. I just love the eloquence when saying it out loud. It runs beautifully off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Is it weird to be fascinated with the english language? I may not be the best, and my grammar probably isn’t perfect, but I love learning/hearing new words and metaphors. A simple word like dalliance is beautiful to me. Ever since I was maybe 12-13 I knew I wanted to be a writer. I don’t say the right things aloud, but I can write decently. Decently enough to get my point across in the manner I would prefer.

I’m sometimes complicated; and maybe that comes with being a woman whose feelings are always muddled, or maybe it’s because I was told one too many times that I’m too emotional so I start to believe that having any emotion makes me weak. Or maybe it’s neither of those and I just like to make excuses. Either way, writing helps me calm things down. Helps me to clear the confusion, irrationality, and to edit my speech before the world sees it. Which is exactly why I adore it. You can edit yourself before letting others review your work. Almost like a protectant against letting people see the real you and as overused as that sounds, it’s true. You can play a facade exactly the way you want it.

I crave writing. If I’m having a bad couple of days I realize it’s more than likely because I haven’t written my feelings or even written in general in some time. I always try to explain to people what it’s like for a writer- you have so many ideas and you harshly criticize yourself for being less than what you’re aiming for, and when you come up empty handed it’s devastating. There are times where I’d love to write my heart out; I’d come up with characters, plot, back stories, etc. only to go to my laptop and stare at it blankly. I’d raise my hands as if to type and then place them back down in my lap because the ideas don’t flow from my brain to my hands. It’s beyond frustrating.

It’s also confusing to explain, but writer’s block is very real. It’s so disconcerting too, because you constantly compare your writing to others. You want to be profound and instead you come across as another 22 year old just spewing hackneyed ideas and knowledge. You become the exact thing you were trying to avoid. You also end up comparing your time table to another’s and it becomes overwhelming. So much so that you berate your own writing again and again until it’s “perfect” in your eyes; but then again, nothing is ever perfect for you is it?

I wish more people understood what writing does.

It’s an escape.

To put it in simple terms, it’s an escape. It’s how we let our emotions out in a world that wants to bury them. It’s how we can be authentic and creative and share.

I don’t really know what this post was supposed to be, but I felt compelled to write it.

I do hope to post some pieces of my work soon, but as I said already above I’m berating it at the moment. ๐Ÿ˜‚

๐ŸŽˆ

Wednesday

September 20th

10:06pm 

——————————————————–

Today has been pretty interesting. Not because anything special happened- I didn’t magically get a bunch of money, I didn’t meet the love of my life, and no I didn’t have that great of a day all around. 

To be honest, it’s been a pretty shit day. Dealing with my siblings moving back after years of not being able to so much as have a full conversation with them, has been pretty weird. I love them, but it’s weird going from barely knowing them to having to live with them again. but again, I love having them here. It’s awesome to finally build our relationships again. It’s scary because they’re like strangers to me, but at the same time we have this bond. So hard to explain. 

I’m also nervous about moving back home. Only because I’m going to truly miss the people I’ve met here in Tennessee. I love my coworkers like family and I’m so nervous to start over again at a new hospital. I don’t think I’ll find the same dynamic in Maryland.. but I am excited too because I can’t wait to be around family and friends again. Friends who have known me for so long that I don’t have to pretend around them. 

I don’t really know what I’m talking about honestly, just kinda writing out random thoughts. Wish I could stay on topic but that’s not how my brain works ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m happy. 

I haven’t felt genuinely happy in a while. But I can truly say that I’ve reached a point where I actually love myself and care about who’s in my life and who isn’t. I actively make a choice now on who I let affect me and who I don’t spend any time on. Do you know how amazing that feels? I no longer blame anyone else for the things that happen to me. I don’t play the victim. I don’t let life negatively get to me. Okay well, i TRY not to at least, I’m not perfect. As I’m sure you know if you’ve read my other posts.

Sometimes it does affect me- but now it’s far less than it ever has been. I have good days and bad days like anyone but today was a really good one. Even though it was stressful and tiring- even though I’m stressed out for other reason, it was a good day. 

That’s what I wanted to talk about mostly in this post. Today was ridiculously stressful- we had my managers bosses come in and watch our every move and critique us left and right and to say that wasn’t annoying as hell is an understatement. but Im happy to say I feel really… content? Maybe that’s the word. There’s so much to appreciate and I wish I didn’t take so much for granted. I have to start looking at all the good in my life. And that’s why I’m happy. 

Does any of this make sense ? Probably not๐Ÿ˜‚

I have the tendency to connect things that other people don’t usually connect ๐Ÿ˜‚

Well anyway, my next post is going to be a rough draft of a chapter of a book I’m trying to write. I’d love any feedback. And not that I have any professional training on writing, but who knows, maybe one day I’ll actually publish something ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜‚

Well- I should probably go to bed. I have a habit of staying up all night. 

Thanks for reading.๐Ÿ’‹

Morning. *Draft I Found*

I’m not really sure what prompted me to write this morning. 

Maybe it’s because I wake up every morning at 6 and can’t go back to sleep, or maybe it’s because I’m still in sort of dreamy state and like to write that way? 

Who knows. 

I was sitting here, staring at my laptop. I want to write- I have so much to say. but I never know how to put it into writing. 

** this was a random draft I found on my blog lol sorry for a short post๐Ÿ˜‚ I honestly think I fell asleep right after this๐Ÿ˜‚**

Why

I literally haven’t been able to sleep at all the past few days. 

I think it’s been a collective 12 hours in 4 days. I have so much on my mind. I should probably talk to a psychiatrist or something to actually help my insomnia- yeah true insomnia. Diagnosed when I was 15 and it creeps up on me every couple of months. I’ll be fine, but then life kinda happens and I, obviously, can’t sleep for a couple weeks. 

I just want to take a break from all the stress of life sometimes. no, this isn’t a suicide thing or depression thing- i literally just mean that i wish i could take off and go on vacation for a few weeks. 

I just need a break. 

A break from my family, friends, work, bills, etc. It’s all too much at times. 

And you know what else ? I wish I wasn’t so damn awkward. Maybe that’s what’s keeping me up. Over thinking about yourself tends to do that. 

Maybe other people don’t view me as being awkward, but inside i’m dying whenever anyone tries to make small talk with me. I get super uncomfortable or I don’t say anything or ADD to the conversation. Why is that? Anyone know why? 

It’s not that I’m self conscious- not in a bad way at least. I just wish I was like my friend Karen in that sense. She says whatever’s on her mind. Even when people get annoyed by her they can’t even help but want to be on her good side or talk to her because she’s so damn funny and interesting to talk to. I want to be like that. 

I wish I knew what other people thought of me. I also wish I knew if they thought it was weird how I act sometimes. Idk. Again, probably just overthinking. 

I wonder if anyone actually reads this lol I don’t mind if no one does, just interests me if ppl keep up with it. 

Wish this post was more interesting ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

Thanks for reading. ๐Ÿฆ‹

Breathe.ย 

I have to write right now.

I’m laying in my room, curled up under my blankets, sobbing.

I don’t know what caused it this time. Was it the emptiness in my stomach that finally took over? Was it the guilt I feel inside for how I treated him? Is it the pain- physical heart ache I feel because I can’t call him and tell him about my day?

I thought I was over this.

I’m angry at myself.

I know I shouldn’t be. Rationally, I should be over this. Logically, I shouldn’t be crying right now. But.. I can’t help it.

No. No theatrics, no dramatics- this is life in its ugly reality. I write what I feel so other people don’t have to feel alone either. We don’t talk about mental health enough. Why are we embarrassed ?

Yet… I feel tediously defeated as I write this. I’m upset with myself for not being able to hold it together.

Forget the romantic factor, okay?

I miss him for being my best friend. No one got me like he did. Maybe I’m searching for someone to replace him? but… that’s never going to happen. No one can ever be him.

And seriously fuck those people who think I’m in some weird delusional state or something- you have no idea what it’s like to lose someone so close to you. Don’t you dare even think you’d be in any better position than I’m in right now.

Imagine the closest person in the world to you- imagine telling them to never speak to you again and that you hated them. And then imagine never talking to them again. That’s what lifetime movies are born from. Are you kidding? You have no idea how you’d react.

I don’t want this post to be depressing although I feel as if a lot of mine have been lately. I just want to write without constraints or judgments. I just want to vent.

I need to vent.

Jon. He’s the type of guy to light up the room. Literally. He was so daringly handsome that girls always gawked at him. I couldn’t say that I didn’t like all their envious glares at me when he and I would hang out.

He never made me feel bad about myself. And that’s important. I was 12/13 when I met him. I was such a fragile age- he could have devastated my self esteem. but. he didn’t. He made me confident. He made me love myself.

Sure- he wasn’t perfect. His temper was something pretty scary. He rarely got angry- but like me, when he did, it was pretty terrifying to see.

And he was stubborn. Holy god, was he stubborn. We disagreed on a lot of topics. Mostly same-sex marriage. which, Im sure he would have changed his mind by now, but at the time he was sorta religious. Jon was smart though, and did listen to reason. I’m sure he would have thought differently by now.

You know what I thought the other day? He’ll never get to experience this. Any of this. When he passed- the world was very different. Obama was still in office, Iggy Azalea was popular, Vine was still a thing, and I lived in Virginia. ย Everything was so different.

It deeply saddens me that he’ll never experience new things. Things he would have thoroughly enjoyed.

For instance, he would have laughed so hard if he found out I binge watched Death Note because I always used to tease him about being such a nerd for watching it. And yet… I’m obsessed.

I really don’t know what the point of this was. I shouldn’t have to tell you by now my writing is all over the place.

Idk.

Thanks for reading.

Waves.ย 

I feel kind of empty. 

I’m craving things I don’t even know exist. 

I’m sitting in this gravel parking lot. I don’t know why. I’m at a community park, in my car, staring at this decaying bridge. I can’t think straight. But I’m trying. 

Writing always calms me down. and right now- I need it.

I’m staring at the bridge, trying to think of what to say. Rust paints the bridge in such a beautiful way, I can’t help but come here for the older scenery. I sometimes come here to think. Even to just get away from everything… to just be alone. I like being alone. 

Tell me why I have this burning desire to drive away, change my name and not talk to anyone but a select few people. Tell me why I just have this empty pit in my stomach. 

I won’t do it. 

But I definitely think about it. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. 

And… everyone thinks they know me. Which is another reason I choose to get away from it all. 

They think they understand me- they think I’m a certain way. They have no idea the many masks I put on. Some may call it fake- but it’s not. I’m genuinely all of these people I portray and then I’m also not a single thing like them. 
Waves. 

It all comes in waves. I feel like Im finally getting back on my feet, feeling normal again. Then… I feel empty. I feel lost. I worry about everything. I wish I could just understand myself. I don’t even know where to begin. 

It’s so hard to keep up with my thoughts. I just wish for a moment you all could understand what goes on up there. Again, I don’t even understand it. 
Waves. 

I wish I knew why this happened to me. I constantly feel at war with myself (I understand how cliche that sounds) but it fits so well. I always feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. Maybe that’s not healthy? But who’s to say what’s healthy? Everyone copes and handles life differently. 

I just wish I understood why. Why me. 

I just want to be normal some days. I don’t like feeling things so deeply. I wish there was an off switch. I’ve been told many times that I’m too passionate.. I can’t help it. 

I fall deep when I feel- so I choose to not feel. To not let people in. And don’t feel sorry for me- I chose this. You should too. Feeling too much gets you nowhere. 

There really wasn’t a point to this post. Just wanted to share some thoughts- I know they’re all over the place. Sorry lol 

Thanks for reading. 

I’m Tired.

August 15th, 2017

8:45 pm

 

I’m so incredibly tired of it all.

Aren’t you?

Go onto Youtube. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. etc. and what do you see? Fake smiles, fake acknowledgment, fake reality- wrapped in a little bow with endorsements and brand deals as the main course in a long, tedious meal you didn’t know you were apart of until it was too late.

Buy this. Buy that.

I don’t care. and I’m tired of it.

I want, no crave, reality. As it is. Not told to me because people have managers behind them pushing them to endorse the latest thing. Have you seen that shitty strapless bra thing? Puh-leeze.

Aren’t you tired of it?

I already know what’s out there. If I wanted to buy something, I’d go to a store. I don’t want products shoved down my throat 24/7. Maybe that’s cynical- I understand why people do it. They need to pay bills. But if you decide to do so, you also shouldn’t be advertising “realness” in your videos. Because it’s not. You’ve become part of the very thing that shapes our society- consumerism. Which I understand is needed, contradictory right? Didn’t say it wasn’t. Just said I’m tired of it.

I don’t know what the solution would be, all I know is that I can’t stand seeing it anymore.

Kinda started this on a great note, huh? Well, if you’re still reading this I truly appreciate you. I know I haven’t posted in a while and tbh I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue writing on here. There’s so much going on right now in my life- not that anyone cares, but still. I’m going to try harder.

I understand sometimes my writing is all over the place. Random. Odd. Etc. But I really do try to use this as my outlet. I try to not edit my writing on here much at all. I just wanted a place where I could put all of my thoughts and feelings out there. And what prompted me to make this post was that I was so TIRED of it all. Not just what I’ve written above. Everything. Life, work, family, friends, and society. (don’t get butthurt, you’d know if I was referring to you.) I hate seeing all the negativity, even though I know part of me does contribute to it. Contradictory, I know. It has turned me into such a negative person as of late.

I wish I didn’t feel things so deeply. I really am trying to just put my thoughts out there, so if they happen to be negative I’m sorry. Not sorry of who I am, but sorry that you seem to believe that life has to be positive all the time. That’s not reality.

“All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is.” – Buddha.

Now, I’m not 100% sure the Buddha said that. I just recently started getting into Buddhism- Zen Buddhism to be more exact, and I haven’t researched that quote, but I thought it was eloquently written anyway, even if it wasn’t real. I resonate with it mostly because it’s the absolute truth. Instead of dwelling on things, you need to accept what is. Not what you want a situation to be.

I have to keep reminding myself that, and not get my hopes up for something. Or try to analyze a situation for more than it is.

I’m also trying to write more. Not just these blogs, but more novelas or full on novels. I’ll probably post some rough copies on here soon.

Thanks for reading.

 

What No One Says about Griefย 

August 31st, 2016

8:15am

I was debating on posting this or not. I don’t need pity, and I don’t want people to think I’m a Debbie Downer. 90% of the time I am a happy, smiling, laughing person, but that 10% gets me at times and I felt the need to share my experiences. I’m hoping this post can help enlighten people on grieving and understanding how it feels and what it’s like to go through it. If you’ve been through the grieving process- or you’re going through it currently- comment and let me know if you resonate with any of this. 

Many people go through grief. It’s an inevitable part of life, and we all know in the back of our minds that we pass away one day. Growing up, I knew this. I knew one day I’d have to bury my grandparents, and my parents at some point too. It’s the natural order of things, and I do not mean to downplay losing ANYONE because that is not fair, but my question is this; what, then, do you do when you you lose someone the same age as you, randomly, and at 18 years old? You’re not prepared for that at all, because it’s not something you ever once thought about. 

You don’t once think that it could happen to you. Sure, you’ve seen the news or heard about it through friends and family, you’re not an idiot. You know that you *could* potentially die if someone caused it to happen, or there was an accident: but to lose someone from an unknown, extremely rare heart condition… there’s no rule book on how to see that coming. 

I wanted to also mention that there are things people don’t talk about when they say they’re grieving. From experience, I can tell you that it’s a veil of protection that people polish over in one simple sentence: “I’m in the grieving process.”. But, what does that mean exactly? you hear it, and you think that maybe the person is sad or angry and/or cries a lot. I’m sure that’s all people think happens, but it’s entirely worse than just that. I don’t blame anyone for ignorance or lack of experience because how would they know? They didn’t go through it. 

One of the first things people don’t mention are the dreams. 

For the love of Jesus Christ himself, I wish I could get rid of my dreams now. I’ll be fine for weeks on end- getting my life right back to “normal”, and not breaking down and crying when I hear his name. I’ll be happy about life again, excited even. And then.. I dream of him. And they’re extremely vivid. I’ll dream of talking to him, holding him, kissing him, etc. and then I wake up and it’s painful; yes, painful. My heart starts to physically ache and I’ve even sobbed upon waking up on occasions. It’s almost like experiencing the loss in its entirety again. You feel that dream fade away, similarly like the person you miss has. It’s the worst thing a grieving person can experience, cruel even. 

The second thing would be memories. 

Oh, the memories. As selfish as this sounds, as horribly wrong as it is, and how angry I get at myself for even wanting this… I sometimes wish I could just erase my memory. 

“Oh, but you have his memories to cherish now!”

“Just think of all the things you used to do together!”

“He would want you to remember him!”

Are you mad? Memories for a grieving person are little pieces of glass that stab you once in a while going “Hey! remember when your loved one *was* alive and you did this?”. It’s not a pleasurable thing.  Movies try to downplay the actuality of grief by having the bereft person claim how happy they are to just have known the person, and their memories with them will live on forever; I’m sorry but no. I do not agree with it. Maybe there are some people who are okay with remembering their loved one and then okay with the fact that they’re gone, but I can’t and won’t ever be. 

The third, it makes you question life in general and your faith. 

I’ve never been the super religious type. I grew up Catholic and used to say the “Our Father” prayer every night before bed, but as I grew older I felt that logically, religion is flawed and doesn’t make much sense. So when Jon passed it made me second guess everything I thought I knew about life. 

**I do not mean to offend anyone, and if you are religious I respect that. Please also respect my beliefs.**

Anyway, when you grieve it even deepens your outlook on life. You start to question everything and why some things happen to you and not others. Why some things don’t happen to you, but does happen to others. Through grief this is what I have come up with: life has no meaning. I don’t mean that in a depressing way. I literally mean those words. Life is randomized events: you were not chosen to have some things happen and not others because life hates you or because you’re special. Things happen because it happens. 

Above are just some things that people who are grieving go through. No, not everyone goes through them but I hope that this will atleast open your eyes to when people say they are grieving. it’s not just sadness. 

Thank you for reading.